


Don't Let Me Cave In

by kulina



Category: Kingdom (TV 2014)
Genre: Coping, Gen, Post-Season 2.5 But Pre-Season 3, Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 14:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11602320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kulina/pseuds/kulina
Summary: Nate can't stop thinking about what happened that night at Bob's house. It's starting to affect his life.





	Don't Let Me Cave In

**Author's Note:**

> prompt - http://bruratheprura.tumblr.com/post/163338613226/i-want-a-scene-with-nate-talking-about-the-sexual  
> title - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSQCHEmuG7Q (if you're not a wonder years fan, the pigeon's name is hank)

Nate is confused.

He’s confused about what happened, he’s confused about why it happened, and he’s confused about whether what happened to him even counts as Something happening to him at all.

It's too hard to process, so he pushes it out of his mind.

But it’s not done with him - it’s always there, tickling his thoughts at the worst moments. Like when Jay goes in for a hug from behind and Nate’s not expecting it, and Nate’s body goes so rigid with fear that Jay can’t laugh it off, and suddenly his eyes are all big and scared and he’s asking if Nate’s okay. Or like when Will’s kissing him, and in Nate's mind he can still taste a hint of sticky strawberry gloss on that girl’s lips, and for a second he thinks he can feel the haze from the drugs, too, so he yanks away and leaves the apartment. Will comes after him, concernedly catching his arm on the staircase, but Nate’s so shaken that he can barely mutter that he has a headache before he gets into his car and drives away.

He starts snorting more coke, and it helps until it doesn’t. He starts taking hotter showers. 

His thoughts go around and around in his head, fast and desperate and constant, until he starts snapping at Alvey over the fact that there’s no juice in the fridge. Snapping at Joe Daddy, who is probably the kindest person Nate’s ever met. Snapping at his class full of teenagers who are already intimidated by him but have _just_ started to loosen up around him. Alvey sees and grabs him by the t-shirt sleeve. He orders Ryan to take over teaching as he shoves Nate toward his office. Nate tries to hide his stumble, tries to hide the way his hands immediately turn to fists. His nails dig so hard into his palms that they leave little marks.

Alvey bites, “What the fuck are you doing out there, huh? They're just fucking kids.”

Nate's only half-lying when he tells his father he doesn't feel well.

Alvey snorts. “Yeah, I can tell.” He sends Nate home. 

Nate punches the steering wheel. 

It comes to a head a couple days after that when Lisa calls him into her office to talk about a new sponsorship. It’s with some company that manufactures protein bars, and he tries to listen, he does, but he's exhausted. The nightmares have been so bad these past few days that he’s been waking up out of breath and sweating. He calls Will’s cell in the middle of the night just to hear his voice on the recording before the beep. Since he won't allow himself to wake Jay, it’s the only thing that can calm him down. 

He’d never admit it, but his days have been starting at four a.m. for the past week. He won’t allow himself to go back to sleep after a dream like that. No fucking way. Thank god he has a key to the gym, or he would have driven himself insane, going over and over that night, over what happened, over what he could have done, _should_ have done-

Lisa says, “Nate.”

Nate’s so lost in his mind that he'd forgotten where he was, hadn’t even realized that she’d fallen silent. He tries to look at her, but he can’t meet her eyes. Which isn’t necessarily out of the ordinary for him, and Lisa knows that, but she's also spent practically every day with Nate for the past _seven years_ , and something is fucking wrong.

Her eyes are sincere and her voice is soft when she asks, “Are you okay?” 

He’s been brushing it under the rug for so long that when she catches him off-guard with the gentle question, his eyes immediately flood with tears. 

If he was looking at her, he would have seen pure shock on her face, because Nate fucking Kulina, the emotionless rock, the unbreakable soldier, is sitting in her office on the verge of tears. 

She comes around from behind her desk to crouch next to his chair. She takes one of his hands and looks worriedly up at him, and at the contact, he tenses. His lips purse together like he’s trying to keep everything inside for just a little bit longer - or at least, that’s what Lisa thinks. What he’s really doing is trying to scrounge up enough nerve to speak without his voice breaking. It doesn’t work.

He mutters, “I have to go.” 

The crack in his voice makes Lisa’s heart ache. “No, Nate-”

He blinks and a tear slips out, but fast as lightning, he smears it away. Calmly, he gets up and leaves her office, quietly closing her door behind himself, but still, she pursues him. 

“Please,” she begs. “Nate.”

He ignores her, smoothly moving into the locker room to retrieve his stuff (he can't leave without his car keys), and Ryan, who's working with the ropes, can’t help but notice the fearful look on Lisa’s face. 

Ryan asks, “What the fuck was that?” at the same time Lisa says worriedly, “Please tell me Jay is here.”

Ryan shakes his head.

“Fuck,” Lisa hisses. She unlocks her phone and goes to her recent calls, quickly scanning the list for Nate's older brother. 

“What?”

“Something’s wrong with him. Really fucking wrong, Ryan. He just started crying in my office cause I asked him if he was okay.”

Ryan’s eyebrows shoot up. Wordlessly, he follows Nate through the door. He bangs his fist against one of the lockers, and Nate flinches so hard that Ryan can see it from across the room. “Everyone out,” Ryan commands. 

Nate grabs his stuff and is headed for the back door when Ryan says, “Not you, Nate.”

Nate stills but doesn’t turn around. 

Once the room is emptied out, Ryan locks the door. He makes his way over to Nate and stops several feet behind him. “Hey, man,” Ryan murmurs. “What the hell's going on with you, huh?” 

Nate stands stock-still, but Ryan can see that his breaths are coming in too heavily.

“Hey,” Ryan says, his voice soft and cautious, as though he’s talking to a frightened animal. “Hey. You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Nate nods, slowly at first and then a little faster. He lets his bag fall to the floor, and he slowly takes a seat on one of the benches. 

Ryan can see the side of Nate’s face then, can see the mix of anger and panic in his eyes. He takes a seat on the same bench as Nate, but he’s sure to leave several inches of space between them. He’s never seen Nate like this before, so he’s not sure what the fuck to expect. 

“I’m just tired,” Nate lies, but his voice doesn't come out more than a whisper. 

“Okay,” Ryan nods. He slides closer and hesitantly wraps one of his arms around Nate’s shoulders. He’s amazed when Nate doesn’t pull away. 

Nate swallows and looks down at his hands. He fiddles with his thumbnail for a moment before he mutters, “Something happened.” 

Ryan doesn’t speak.

There’s a long silence. Thirty seconds pass, and then one minute, and then three more. The entire time, Nate looks like he’s got something on the tip of his tongue, so Ryan waits. 

Finally, _finally,_ Nate speaks.

“I was at this party,” he begins hoarsely, “and-”

There’s a sudden banging on the door. “Nate!” 

Nate stands immediately.

“Nate!”

He goes over and unlocks the deadbolt. He pulls the door open, and once he's tugged Jay inside, he pushes the lock back into place and falls easily into Jay’s chest. 

Jay wraps him up tightly and kisses his head once, twice, three times.

“Something happened,” Nate repeats, his quiet voice muffled in Jay’s shoulder. His fingers tremble as he stands up straight and retreats into the other part of the locker room to the corner shower, where he turns the water on full blast. He twists the handle so the water will come out as hot as possible, and then he sits down just out of the way of the spray. He’s still fully clothed, and Ryan and Jay can’t work out why he’s over there or what the fuck he’s doing, but he looks a little calmer now that there’s a hiss of water in the air. 

Jay starts carefully toward the shower, and Ryan follows. They sit down side by side across from Nate and wait for him to speak. 

Nate softly begins, “You remember that guy I used to work for?” His back is pressed flush against the wall, and he’s staring so hard at the tile floor that he’s starting to see double, but if he doesn’t get this out right fucking now, he thinks he might do something really bad to himself. “He drugged me.”

Jay draws a sharp breath in through his nose. Ryan’s hands curl into fists. 

Nate briefly recounts the events of the night that's burned into his memory, and by the time it’s over, Jay has moved forward to catch Nate in a strong embrace, and Ryan’s beside them, rubbing Nate’s back. The room is thick with humidity and steam, but Nate needs something to focus on other than his thoughts, and the hot water was all he had. 

“Gonna fucking kill him,” Jay promises, his voice low and firm. “You hear me? Me and Ryan are gonna fucking kill him. Gonna rip his fucking lungs out while his heart's still beating.” 

Nate nods into Jay’s neck, eyes closed, hands like claws as they clench the fabric of Jay's tank top. His rib cage shakes against Jay's, and a wet, shaky breath warms Jay's skin.

Jay holds him closer.


End file.
